This is it: I'm moving out, the last day I will pay rent for 425 Magnolia St is December 1st 2008. My roommates and I had a chat about it today; they asked that I push back the date to the end of the semester to give everyone more time. I'm pretty sure I am ok with this decision. There is no rush for me to move out; however, I do want to maintain the momentum that came from my decision to leave. I am deathly afraid of stagnation, and the idea of being stuck in one place without purpose scares the be-jesus out of me. It is becoming more and more clear to me that my purpose has to be "community" or intentional relationships. I did not find healthy community at 425 Magnolia St, and I know that without this piece, my life becomes desperate. Failing at healthy community is the largest failure of my life. Consistently, fear of this failure has caused me great pain and self-doubt.
Right now, I feel I need to start over again, which is my way of dealing with failure I suppose--or maybe just a result of my fear of stagnation. Maybe it would be best for me to stay and fix things: learn to live humbly without resentment. But maybe my "need" to start over again is a desire for love and fellowship.
And yet, life (and many wise people) have taught me that love and fellowship occur only when I offer them to others. They are not things bestowed upon me; it is what St Francis said, "it is by giving that we receive." Well, one thing is certain. I have three months to try out loving my roommates. I pray that I can do this in a way that blesses them, in a way that breeds love, mutual respect, and forgiveness.
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