I wish I could google, "What should I do with my life?" and have an answer appear on my computer screen.

Encouragement.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall, God will help her at the break of day. Psalms 46: 4- 5

Snow in March.

The ground is mud and brown, and my muscles ache.  Life is good, exhausting, routine, but God is far.  It's a struggle.  My body is broken, and it is lent: a season of reminders and discipline.  No caffeine for me, more prayer.  "God help me to love, love, love, and be myself."

Turquoise

For years yellow was her favorite color

but it wasn't.

I tried being the loving wife, the faithful mother

denying the need for communication

the need for need

I lost track of myself

and picked yellow because I once heard

Intelligent people like yellow.

Anthem.

On christ the solid rock I stand.  All other ground is sinking sand.  All other ground is sinking sand.

The loveliness of being known or "Icebreaka."

To be known is a great comfort and relief.  This person knows when I'm tired; this person knows when I'm mad, joking, upset, uncomfortable.  This person knows that I am loud when I'm excited and quiet when I'm angry.  This person cares enough to know.  These are all the great things about knowing and being known, and yet intimacy is the scariest thing I've come across.  Only a few people in my life "know" me.  Is that because I hide myself; need to have control over the relationship?  Is it because I value my inner most thoughts and feelings, my only treasure?  Not just anybody can see those things.  And then there are some things that are just between God and me.  

Like the purple full moon he just gave me, with the wind whispering around my hair, lifting up my perfume, lifting up my eyes. 

Moving out; moving on.

This is it: I'm moving out, the last day I will pay rent for 425 Magnolia St is December 1st 2008.  My roommates and I had a chat about it today; they asked that I push back the date to the end of the semester to give everyone more time.  I'm pretty sure I am ok with this decision.  There is no rush for me to move out; however, I do want to maintain the momentum that came from my decision to leave.  I am deathly afraid of stagnation, and the idea of being stuck in one place without purpose scares the be-jesus out of me.  It is becoming more and more clear to me that my purpose has to be "community" or intentional relationships.  I did not find healthy community at 425 Magnolia St, and I know that without this piece, my life becomes desperate.  Failing at healthy community is the largest failure of my life.  Consistently, fear of this failure has caused me great pain and self-doubt.  

Right now, I feel I need to start over again, which is my way of dealing with failure I suppose--or maybe just a result of my fear of stagnation.  Maybe it would be best for me to stay and fix things: learn to live humbly without resentment.  But maybe my "need" to start over again is a desire for love and fellowship.   

And yet, life (and many wise people) have taught me that love and fellowship occur only when I offer them to others.  They are not things bestowed upon me; it is what St Francis said, "it is by giving that we receive."  Well, one thing is certain.  I have three months to try out loving my roommates.  I pray that I can do this in a way that blesses them, in a way that breeds love, mutual respect, and forgiveness.